The Subterranean Celebrity Libido Labyrinth of Greater Hollywood

[Image: A blueprint of tunnels rumored to connect the Playboy Mansion with nearby celebrity homes, via Playboy].

This is hilarious and amazing: there may (or may not) have been secret underground tunnels connecting the Playboy Mansion to the homes of nearby celebrities, including Kirk Douglas and Jack Nicholson. It's like the becoming-priapic of the Mole Man of Hackney.

According to some blueprints literally unearthed from the Playboy Mansion basement after overhearing a rumor about some "tunnels," it seems that, at the very least, underground routes were designed all the way to the point of construction diagrams, to connect the homes from below.

Those construction documents imply, according to the post over at Playboy, that "tunnels were built to the homes of 'Mr. J. Nicholson,' 'Mr. W. Beatty,' 'Mr. K. Douglas' and 'Mr. J. Caan.' We’ll go ahead and assume they’re talking about Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty, Kirk Douglas and James Caan—all of whom lived near the Playboy Mansion during the late 1970s and early 1980s. There are no dates on the architectural schematics, but the dates on the Polaroids were from 1977."

The Polaroids referred to show excavations and construction material, and can be seen at the original article.

Of course, no one seems to know if the tunnels were, in fact, ever constructed—or even if the Playboy story itself isn't just a rumor-stirring bit of architectural fiction—but a staff member apparently "heard they were closed up sometime in 1989."

The idea that the libidos of Hollywood stars are all secretly linked by a maze of underground tunnels is awesomely perfect: equal parts psychoanalytic metaphor and potential plot for a new David Lynch film. Has-been celebrities clad head to toe in fur wander through a maze of multicolored halls beneath Los Angeles, experiencing bizarre moments of time travel that serve no narrative function other than to let them spy on earlier versions of themselves, making love in a wood-paneled mansion where wall-sized fireplaces roar with logs that never burn. Everyone is played by Bill Pullman.

(Thanks to Josh Glenn for the tip!)